A Lot of What I Say Is Not Worth Listening To...

Well - that is certainly a great title for someone who desires above all other earthly "career" pursuits, to be an author.

Hi, my name is Susan Whitlock and I have written this little book and some short stories and by the way a lot of what I say is not worth listening to...

You can just pay me in small unmarked bills.

Sigh.

But what I was really thinking was that a lot of what I say to myself, is not worth listening to.

I reread some of my earlier writings on this blog tonight - and I could really relate!
hehehe

When I write - something inside of me goes away. Or, at least, shuts up. And this inner friend rises up and says - Hey - I know how to type pretty well, let me, let me.

But when I am vacuuming or on my way to work or sitting on the porch swing - I can say some pretty dumb and insulting things to myself.  Not that I don't also do a lot of grandiose thinking and self-talk...but I can be a real pain to myself.

Are you like that?  Do you call yourself "Dumb Woman (or Man)" when you stub your toe or misspell a word?  I do it more than I should. 

I have a friend that is really bad at self-talk. She calls herself stupid and other icky names out loud in front of me much too often. Or she used to. And I started telling her, Hey - quit talking to my buddy like that or I'm gonna have to beat the crap out of you.

She loves my little mixed messages, I am sure. 

Well - I tell her that, but I need to listen to it myself.

Another form of inner entertainment I force on myself is - This Is What I Am Going To Tell Her (or Him) talk.  I daydream that some person of repute in my vast and awesome world of acquaintances is still in the room saying whatever it was that got me going later...
(and that is a whole other problem - when I am with the person I was no doubt smiling and nodding and saying sure, sure - you poor thing...
until I go out to my car & drive away, review whatever the heck this person was talking about and a bomb goes off in my head.
KABOOM - what in the WORLD makes that person think that what they said made any kind of sense at all!!!!?)

Too late - they are probably at home right now telling their significant other or child that Susan Whitlock totally agrees with me.

But - as I was ranting...
I have this gross habit of letting little irritants grow in my subconscious until I am having these world class conversations that Night-line is recording for posterity - and boy am I enlightening and wise and witty and wonderful in these conversations. I am so to the point and tactful - at the same wonderful time.

Wow - the person either repents - or weeps in joy at my profound revelation of their plight - or kisses me with thanksgiving - or
or
o
I don't know
kills their self for having dared to share the planet with one as "right" as me.

Do you guys ever do that?
No...
Huh - well, that is good.

BECAUSE IT IS A BIG FAT WASTE OF TIME and grey matter.  I believe the Bible calls it "vain imaginations" and the Apostle Paul suggests  you "pull them down".

My plan is to prevent the suckers from ever being put up in the first place.  So now I have this amusing, little routine.  Well, I find it amusing.  I will be driving along (for some reason driving to some weekly task like grocery shopping really sets off my Vain Imagination alarm)
                                              Like this:
"We have ignition," my subconscious casually chats to my consciousness, "time to roll out the Vain Imagination on what she should say to her sister and brother now."

And I will be off.

Not that I will ever have a real conversation with either of those two people. I will not. That is the reason Vain Imaginations exist. They grew up under the same rock where honest communication went to hide so many generations ago.

But that is another blog entirely.

Plan "Vain Imagination Obliteration" is that when I catch myself revving up a really juicy imaginary scenario and an ensuing chat with absolutely no one - and the Holy Spirit has been ever so helpful in the "catching myself" part of that Plan...
I just stop and say to myself - "Self, why not just shut up about all that?"

And then
and this is the only part of the the VIO plan that has any merit
Then I pray for the person instead. 

This usually involves some repentance on my part for being such an unloving jerk to have even thought of saying things like I was thinking of saying to another living being.

A being created in Your image.

Sigh of contentment that You really do love us just the way we are.

This blog,
like everything else in my little wonderful crazy deep and wide life
is for You.

And I SO felt that smile.  I did. Right down in my toes, I can feel Your smile.

I do not know how people exist without ever feeling that - or, if they do feel it, believing it was caused by the Big Bang.

But they do.

Well - where have we come to at 9:18 pm on a Monday night in Pittsburg KS?

I am hopeful I will continue to speak to myself in more kind and thoughtful ways.
The reader here might be extending some kind of prayer to You that I might even be able to stop talking to myself altogether in the light of sanity...
But we were created to form a commentary on the ride.

I think so anyway.

The Bible suggests we speak to each other in songs and hymns and spiritual songs...Lord You know that I sing to myself (and much too often out loud) a lot.
A lot.

My hope is I can think to myself and speak to myself in the same way - uplifting and hopeful.

And
let's face it
slightly off key.

See ya - Suz